Read these clients stories to see how therapy has helped them
I have changed names and some details to keep client confidentiality. The people whose stories are told have given me full permission to describe our work together.Debbie feeling unable to break away from an unhappy relationship.
Jamil feeling anxious at work
Sarah traumatised after a difficult birth
Stuck in a relationship- finally letting go
‘Debbie’ came to see me having been depressed for many months. In the first few sessions she talked about her relationship with her ex. They had been together for 10 years and had two children aged 5 and 7. It soon became clear that throughout the time they were together he had been emotionally abusive. He would criticize her appearance, the clothes she wore, the things she said and the way she cared for the children. Over the years he stopped her seeing her old friends and members of her family. Eighteen months ago he had left her for a younger woman and she had been devastated by now not knowing how to function without him. . She had such low self esteem and insecurity that it had been a real struggle for her to manage running the home when he left. Because they had the children he would come to the house to see them and even though he was now living with the other woman he would sometimes stay the night with her.Debbie made good use of our counselling sessions. Now that she had this opportunity to look at what had happened she began to identify a lot of positives about herself. She had managed to keep things going when he left. Her children were doing well at school and were happy and relaxed with her.
She was well thought of in her part time job as a receptionist. In one way she felt she was beginning to turn a corner but the trouble was, every time her ex re-appeared on the scene he’d make put down remarks about the cleanliness of the house or her weight and she’d be back down in mood and feeling worthless.
After 8 sessions I was seeing a lovely skilled, creative woman emerging and it was hard for me to understand how she was still clinging on to the relationship with her ex. At this point I remembered a an EFT workahop I had been to where the presenter spoke of the invisible cords that keep us attached to other people. I suddenly felt that this was going to be a good way to take the sessions.
I said to her: ‘I Know you don’t want him back but it is as if something is still strongly connecting you to John. Imagine there is some sort of cord that connects you what is it like, what is it made of?’
She immediately replied : ‘It’s like an elastic band, a really strong one’
‘What colour is it?’
‘Green’
‘How thick is it?’
‘Really thick like a rope, but it is elastic it stretches and pings back’.
‘where does it hold you, where is it connected?’
‘from my stomach’
I had already introduced her to EFT in our sessions but we hadn’t used it much. I suggested we did tap on this:
KC point: ‘Even though I am connected to John by this strong, thick, elastic rope what if I could find a way to cut it?’
Tapping round: this thick rope, this elastic rope, this green rope, keeping me connected, this strong rope, keeping m,e….’
Tapping round: What if I can find a way to cut it, what if I can? Whatif there is a way?.........
She took a deep breath and then suddenly said: ‘well I can cut it, easily, I don’t need it.’ She told me she had a stong image of a cut rope that now had no power at all.
I never know where EFT is going to take us and I was quite surprised that she had responded so quickly. Of course I had no idea if what we had done in the session was going to be of any practical help. I hoped so but I didn’t know.
When I saw her for the next appointment the change in her was amazing. She had a bright smile and told me she had been re-painting her front door. ‘He never liked purple so I’ve painted it purple’ She had told John that he was to wait outside and she would bring the children to the car, she didn’t want him in the house anymore. She had organised for her sister to baby sit and she had been out for a drink with a friend from work. I really was surprised that the change in her had happened so quickly but I could tell it was genuine. We still had time left in the session and she said’ I don’t know what else to talk about, I am ok, I am doing my best and I feel proud of what I’ve done’. We agreed that she would give me a ring in a few days time and if things were still going well we’d cancel the next appointment. We also agreed she could come back if she felt things were starting to slip.
She rang four days later and said things were going well. I haven’t seen her since.
Anxious at work - speaking to no-one
Jamil was 44, he had been very anxious and self conscious for a number of years. In fact it went back to his school days when he was bullied and teased about his weight and he had felt very lonely and isolated. He was a bright pupil and he tried not to think about his loneliness by focusing on his school work. He did well in exams and once he was at university things got a bit better.He now had a good job in a successful lawyers firm but his old anxieties seemed to have returned and he was finding it more and more difficult to speak to people in the office. He knew he was isolating himself and one day he realised he had spent a whole day in his busy office speaking to no-one at all. All around him colleagues laughed and joked with one another or chatted about their plans for the week-end. He decided the time had come to try and do something about his problem. ‘I am 43’ he said ‘if I don’t sort this out now I’m scared I will be stuck like this forever’.
He arranged a first appointment and I met a warm, friendly man who I would have expected to be popular at work if he hadn’t told me otherwise. He related how he became tongue tied speaking to anyone, if, for example, he wanted a cup of coffee, he would wait until there was no-one in the staff kitchen before making himself a drink. He dreaded meeting colleagues in the corridor.
I asked him if he had any physical symptoms as well as the feeling of isolation and he described how he often felt a weight right across his shoulders.
He obviously wanted to stop feeling anxious but I wanted him to picture how he would be without the anxiety when it was no longer there. So I asked him to imagine that coming to see me had worked like magic and by the next day all his troubles would be gone…. How would he tell?
He found this exercise hard at first but eventually concluded ‘I’d feel lighter ,not weighed down, I’d smile and I would feel happy inside. I would chat and joke with colleagues and if they suggested going out after work I would look forward to it. Oh and I’d feel confident and look confident’.
I asked Jamil were there ever times in his life when he did feel a bit more confident and could chat and joke with people. After some thought he identified that last summer when he joined a sailing group he was far more relaxed and he was sure that the people in that group wouldn’t recognize this nervous shy person if they saw him at work now.
I use a number of different strategies when working with clients. With J I had a really strong feeling that tapping could be helpful to him, to unlock all those bottled up feelings of shame and inadequacy that he was still carrying from school days. I explained how I’d like to try this strange technique a bit like acupuncture but with no needles. Of course he was surprised and somewhat skeptical to be asked to try out this weird tapping routine but he was willing to try it as he was so sick of feeling the way he did.
We tapped on:
‘even though I feel so anxious when I have to speak to people at work I choose to be as calm and confident as I am with my sailing group’
We repeated the negative tapping round:
‘I am so anxious’ ‘tension on my shoulders’ ‘so anxious’ ‘so anxious’
We followed this with the positive tapping round:
‘I choose to be calm and confident’ ‘calm and confident’ ‘like in the sailing group’ ‘calm and confident’
He soon started to feel calmer as we tapped and I suggested he tapped this routine a few times a day over the next week. I also suggested he look up Brad Yates on youtube who does some great confidence building tapping sessions which he could follow and would only take a few minutes.
At our second appointment one week later he was feeling so much better. He reported that he had been chatting to colleagues while making coffee and had been laughing and joking with one member of staff who had come to him to ask for advice on a legal issue. It was lovely to see how happy he looked and we spent the rest of the session tapping on the upset he had experienced when being bullied as a teenager.
At the third session he said he wasn’t sure what we could talk about as he was feeling fine and really hopeful about the future. He had arranged to go out with some colleagues after work the next day which is something he never imagined doing. He said ‘I never thought it could be sorted to quickly, I thought I would be coming to see you for ages’.
He didn’t come for any more sessions but I texted him about 6 weeks later to see how things were going and he let me know ‘I’m fine now, things are going really well’.
Traumatised after giving birth – so much better after one session
I like to help clients see an improvement as quickly as possible but even I was amazed that Sarah (not her real name) found such immediate comfort after only one session. I know EFT works really well but it goes on surprising me!When ‘Sarah’ came for her first appointment she looked quite pale and seemed to be fighting back tears. This isn’t unusual. I understand how hard it is to come for oounselling for the first time, not knowing what it is going to be like and wondering if, once you start to talk about difficult issues, you are going to start crying and never be able to stop.
I gently explained to Sarah that she wouldn’t have to talk about anything she didn’t feel ready for. That this was an opportunity for her to be helped to feel better in a confidential and non -judgmental environment.
As a therapist I use a variety of approaches. Sometimes just listening while a client feels safe to talk for the very first time, sometimes helping clients discover a way forward by exploring with them the qualities and skills they have within them. Sometimes using deep relaxation if they are too distressed to focus on any one thing. I often introduce EFT because time and again clients find it so helpful and are amazed how quickly they can feel quite a bit better.
Sarah wanted to tell me about her experiences giving birth 6 months previously. Again, I reassured her that she could stop any time she chose and it wasn’t essential to start telling me this right away. As she described three traumatic days she cried a lot but was determined to continue. She explained ‘Its ok, need to tell you, I’ve told some people and I can never stop crying. I cry when I think about it or when anyone mentions ‘birth’. I’m tired of it now and I want to find a way to live so I’m not always crying. Lots of friends are having babies and I want to be able to listen to them and share their excitement without crying or feeling angry and having to walk away. In fact I am going with some friends to see my sister next week who has just had a baby and I am dreading having to sit there listening to her birth story. ‘
I won’t go into details of Sarah’s traumatic experiences , it was certainly upsetting to listen to. She had known giving birth would be painful and maybe, at times, scary and difficult but this was way beyond the normal experiences. Also, in addition to trauma, she clearly felt robbed of the beautiful experience she had anticipated. I have worked with a number of clients who have had a diagnosis of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Sarah certainly had enough of the symptoms:
Anxiety attacks, recurring images, difficulty sleeping, tearfulness…..
I explained how EFT can help with PTSD and she agreed for us to use this as a way to get started.
Together we found the words to tap on:
‘even though I feel robbed of a beautiful experience I choose to find a way to let the bad feelings go now.’
‘even though I felt I had no control, I have control now.’
‘even though I have this sick feeling in my stomach and tightness in my throat I choose to know I am going to be ok.’
‘even though those were the worst three days of my life the truth is……I have a beautiful little girl and I love her so much’
She agreed to take the final words to tap on at home and we arranged another meeting for a few days time so she could practice more tapping before she had to see her sister. At this point I had no idea how many sessions she would need before she started to feel better.
When I saw Sarah next she was so different. Calm and smiling. She told me how she had felt so tired for the whole afternoon after she had seen me but by the next day she felt so much better. The tears had gone and she felt so happy being with her baby. But she felt very confused – where were the tears and the weight of sadness that had been with her for the last 6 months? I immediately started ‘testing’ as we do with EFT. Inviting her to talk about the birth experience again, saying things like ‘ you were robbed of a wonderful experience’. She was amazed how she could tell me everything, she acknowledged it was sad and there were some really bad memories but she just didn’t feel like crying. She kept saying ‘ I can’t believe I am telling you this and not crying, this is so weird!’
The true test came a couple of days later when she and some friends went to meet her sister with a new baby. She felt a level of irritation that her sister was saying that giving birth had been SO hard when, in comparison it clearly hadn’t been. . Before she had used EFT she would have run from the room and cried her heart out and would probably wanted to have punched the wall with frustration and anger. Now she was responding with mild irritation and sadness. These were totally understandable feelings It is important to note EFT doesn’t rid you of appropriate feelings but it takes away the intensity that can prevent you from normal every day functioning.
ii have asked Sarah if I can contact her in a few months time as it is important to know that these good effects are long lasting.
